Figuring Myself Out

Back...Sort Of

2009-05-27T15:27:00.002-05:00

Wow...Three months since an update. I guess I have been more concerned with living life than posting about it. Not even sure where to begin. I guess I will stick to a quick bullet point style here.

Took a "spring break" trip to visit some grad schools, spent a couple of days in the Windy City, and got a chance to see Justin of "Guy From Chicago" noteriety.
Have been trying to socialize a little more. Went to a couple of art exhibits, dinner with friends, get togethers at DC's and other randomness.
Picked a grad school, staying in my current area, and looking for jobs and internships around here once again.
Had a birthday last week.

Bad Blogger am I

2009-03-05T23:29:00.002-06:00

I am a HORRIBLE blogger. I promised an update long ago, and nothing. The last couple of weeks have been filled with making arrangements to visit three out of state graduate schools. There have been a couple of fun social gatherings to write about but that will have to wait for another time.

Update Coming Soon

2009-02-08T20:16:00.000-06:00

Yes, I know I still have a blog here.

Update coming this week.

2009 is Upon Us

2009-01-03T19:55:00.002-06:00

Well, a new year is upon us. 2008 started pretty well for me, but by the end I was not much further ahead than I had been in 2007. I probably say this every year, but it was a mixed bag.

Here's hoping for good things in 2009!

Next Up...New Years

2008-12-29T20:34:00.001-06:00

Had a nice Christmas. Pretty low key, but that is how we like it around here. Got a few nice gifts...a couple sportcoats, pants, a book, a calendar...mostly "functional" items.

We went to a couple after Christmas sales Friday. The mall was insane, but I did grab a $4 pair of slippers, and later picked up holiday cards for next season for about $4 a box...not bad.

It was an interesting week with a puppy running around...my sister's combined birthday and Christmas gift was a dog. She's had him since Mid-Nov, and he is cute as hell...sure keeps us on our toes though, especially with the cats. They are happy he has gone back to his home so they can have the run of the house again.

Two more days in 2008...where did the year go?

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T14:07:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas to everyone out there!

Quick Update

2008-12-19T14:48:00.003-06:00

A few quick points for any readers I might still have who wonder what I've been up to.

-It's the holidays, and I still haven't done any shopping!
-I hate Comcast this week, our internet connection is possessed!
-I don't have a job yet, boo!
-I do have an internship of sorts helping some high school friends with their nonprofit foundation.
-Working on grad school applications.

Nothing decidedly "gay" going on in my life at the moment...no coming outs or anything, so this blog has suffered a bit. Both my blogs have really, I'm in a bit of a writing funk.

Olbermann Sounds Off on Prop 8

2008-11-11T17:19:00.001-06:00

MSNBC's Keith Olbermann comments on the passage of California's Proposition 8:

Vote Tomorrow!!!

2008-11-03T15:37:00.002-06:00

No matter which side you are on, be a good citizen. Exercise your RIGHT to VOTE!!

Thanks to YouTube user tyleroakley for this PSA

Happy Halloween--Updates

2008-10-31T13:58:00.003-05:00

I've been in a bit of a blogging funk lately...just not much to say. But, the last couple of weeks have been pretty active in terms of my social life. I know..."B has a social life?"

More Coming Out:
Went to a going away happy hour for someone I worked with in student leadership for several years on the state level who resigned from his staff position. It turned into a long night that included my coming out to him, another staff member and a couple of alumni. The other staff person was actually on student gov't with me at my school and said she figured it all along. I'm finding it tends to slip when I have been drinking and start to vent about the various frustrations in my life.

Evening Out:
Went to the birthday dinner for the student worker in my former office Saturday night. Afterwords, I went and had coffee with one of the guys I have been chatting with online---I joined a couple of websites in an attempt to meet some guys in my area. He was a nice guy and I think there might be a possible friendship there.

Lunch:
Had lunch yesterday with another guy I have been communicating with over the same website. He too, was a nice, genuine guy and we had decent conversation. He did say he was open to hanging out again and I hope we can. I think the ball is in my court. Seemed like he was into being friends, and mentioned wanting to meet some of my friends, which I guess is a positive sign.

The "Date" Debate:
There has been some back and forth among other friends and I about whether meeting these guys constituted "first dates," particularly the meal with guy number two. I prefer to think of them as casual meetings of potential friends, since nothing more than a friendship is asked or expected. None of the parties involved are looking on this website expecting to find a romantic connection.

Readers: What do you think? Am I dating?

A Sad Reality Hits Home

2008-10-02T23:59:00.002-05:00

This afternoon, a blogger friend of mine with whom I have become very close IMed me to tell me he had a story about an "incident" last night involving his two best friends. He said he'd fill me in later, when he was home and not messaging from his cell phone. Being that we talk daily, and often about these guys, who we refer to as The Twins, I thought I knew what to expect---The Twins sound like wonderful kids who've gotten themselves in some pretty interesting situations.

I was not prepared for what I heard. I was told that last night they arrived home from an evening out with Twin B's parents to discover their home and new vehicles had been vandalized...windows broken, tires slashed, and slurs scrawled in several places.

And that was not the worst of it. The neighborhood punks responsible for the vandalism were still around and attacked the two. They will recover, but both sustained injuries ranging from bruised ribs to a broken leg.

As my friend shared this with me, my heart sank. Until tonight, gay bashing was something I'd only seen on the news or in television shows. I've always known it was real, but it hadn't happened to anyone I knew--or if it had, I didn't know about it.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. It sickens me that these two people would be attacked on their own property, in a neighborhood where Twin B grew up, simply because they are a gay couple. It sounds like an episode of QAF, but it's not, it's reality.

And that's pretty damn fucked up.

Worst Kept Secret In Hollywood?

2008-09-23T23:32:00.003-05:00

Clay Aiken is gay.

Really? I'm stunned! Is there anyone left who didn't think he was? I mean, more power to him for choosing to come out, but this seems to be an example of a rather anti- climactic non story.

FYI, I Am Alive...

2008-09-16T00:29:00.001-05:00

In case some of you are wondering, I am still here...I've simply been busy or preoccupied with other things lately.

Promise I'll be back shortly!

NBC: We Can't Cover Everything

2008-08-27T23:29:00.002-05:00

Interesting article on NBC's lack of coverage of openly gay Australian diver Matthew Mitcham's victory in last week's Olympic Games.

NBC on Mitcham’s stunning Olympic upset: We can’t cover everything

Making Political History

2008-08-27T23:28:00.000-05:00

History has been made...Barack Obama is the first ever African American candidate for President of the United States.

I haven't watched as much of the convention as one might expect. While I am interested in politics, I don't watch CNN for hours on end...except maybe on election night.

I did catch Hillary Clinton's address last night, and she seemed to do a good job of endorsing him and motivating her supporters to do the same, the message being that if they supported her because of what she stands for, then they should be on board with Obama. While McCain wants to court her supporters, the fact of the matter is very few will go for him...I know I would not vote for a polar opposite candidate out of primary bitterness.

I thought it was a good symbolic gesture that she was the one who called for an end to the roll call and his nomination by acclimation...another sign that they are trying to unify the party.

Admittedly, I don't know a ton about Joe Biden, but from what I can see he does bring a lot of experience to the ticket. And whether one agrees with him or not, after seeing his speech tonight, it's hard to argue his ability to deliver an energizing address and fire people up.

Will be interesting to see how Obama defines himself tomorrow evening.

Long Overdue

2008-08-25T19:43:00.002-05:00

I had dinner with Country Girl and Fly Boy on Saturday night. It was, as the title suggests, long overdue. I had not seen either of them since my "coming out dinner" in November, and by coincidence, we chose the same restaurant.

We had a nice visit and they are both doing well. Fly Boy will be moving out of the area soon, and it will be interesting to see how Country Girl takes it. She got very emotional when it was time to part ways after dinner, even though she knows she'll see him again before he leaves, and I should as well, as I told him I would make good on my November promise to go to the bar with him.

Also had the chance to meet her latest gay friend, a kid from her work I've been hearing about all summer. He seems like a decent guy. We were all joking about how she seems to attract us, and we really don't know why.

It was a nice evening and great to catch up.

Now I need to make a point to see MBA Man, as I have not seen him since mid-February.

August Already?

2008-08-07T15:25:00.003-05:00

I can't believe we are into August already. This summer has flown by so fast even though I feel like I have gotten nothing done.

Some random items...

Went up to my alma mater for a day last week. It was like being "home" and was a nice visit even though I started to feel sick about halfway through the day. Some 24 hour bug. Icky.

I'm still looking for a job, which pretty much sucks. Anyone out there who's looking knows the market is soft and I'm really unsure at this point what is going to happen. It's frustrating and somewhat depressing.

My friends are fine. Country Girl has been really into the whole "ally" thing in recent months, which is cool...but sometimes that's all she seems to want to discuss. She was rather up in arms recently over Fly Boy, who decided he was moving to three different places in three weeks. He finally settled on Hawaii to be with an ex...not sure about that one, but to each his own choices.

Daisy Duke and Apple Guy will both be living in our metro area this fall....she's doing something with marketing research and he nonprofit work. I have not seen either in several months and hope to now that we're near each other again.

MBA Man has adjusted to life "in the sticks" as he calls it....except for the lack of eligible bachelors.

I guess that's all for now...

SPAM

2008-07-20T21:08:00.001-05:00

I have been hit by comment spam. Therefore all comments to this blog will now be moderated.

It's Time...

2008-07-17T15:26:00.001-05:00

Another election gem from JibJab.

100th FMO Post

2008-07-16T16:08:00.001-05:00

Yes, it pales in comparison to the nearly 700 on the other blog I keep, but is a milestone nonetheless.

100 posts here on FMO.

Neglecting The Blog...

2008-07-16T16:04:00.001-05:00

It’s strange to think how long I have been away from this blog. I’ve probably lost most readers I once had.

As you’ll note below, I took a couple of vacations recently. First, I went fishing in Northern Minnesota with my father. It’s one of those activities that we have always done together and bonded over…but in the last few years, our opportunities to do it have been limited by work and school. It was a nice trip, and we caught fish and had good conversations. Some of you may wonder, and the answer is no—I did not come out to him and still do not plan to until I have left the house.

Second up was a trip out to Colorado to see my grandparents and aunt on Dad’s side. I have always enjoyed visiting out there and despite distance have been quite close with his family over the years. We had a wonderful visit.

It’s always funny to listen to my grandparents speak of what a wonderful person I am and how they would not change anything about me. That is, anything they know about…somehow I think my star would shine a little less brightly if they knew I was gay, as they simply do not approve of homosexuality. I believe I have blogged before about the fact that it is one part of my life they will never know about—it’s not worth risking the closeness we share for whatever years they may have left.

And now, friends, it'll be business as usual for a while.

More Travels

2008-07-02T10:19:00.000-05:00

Back from one trip and leaving on another. Heading to Colorado today to visit relatives for a few days. Happy Fourth of July!

Getting Out of Town...

2008-06-22T23:01:00.001-05:00

On vacation for a week. Updates when I return.

To my MN readers...Happy Twin Cities Pride!

Not Much to Say, But I'm Still Here

2008-06-18T14:12:00.003-05:00

Reading Matt's most recent post made me think. Like him, I just have not had much to say on this blog in recent times. Actually, the post frequency on both my blogs has slowed quite a bit. But...I'm not giving it up, as I still find it enjoyable to sit down and write on occasion.

Not much exciting going on in my life. I'm in the middle of my third week of unemployment, which sucks, but I press on. What else can I do, right? Definitely not where I wanted or expected to be right now. Cross your fingers for me that something will come along soon. In the meantime, I have a couple of trips coming up...something to look forward to.

Happy Birthday to Me

2008-05-26T19:39:00.001-05:00

On Thursday, I turned 24.

On Friday. I was told that I am being let go from my job at the end of this week, Friday May 30.

What a great B-Day present huh?

Back to the drawing board.

Questions to Ask Yourself

2008-04-30T06:25:00.001-05:00

Saw this on Mike's blog...questions you should ask yourself before coming out to your parents, or anyone for that matter.

Are you sure about your sexual orientation?
Yes

Are you comfortable with your gay sexuality?
More or less, yes. My comfort level has grown with time.

Do you have support? In the event your parents' reaction devastates you, there should be someone or a group that you can confidently turn to for emotional support and strength. Maintaining your sense of self-worth is critical.
Yes, particularly from MBA Man and that group, my blogger friends, Student Worker...whether he should know or not, he does.

Are you knowledgeable about homosexuality? Your parents will probably respond based on a lifetime of information from a homophobic society. If you've done some serious reading on the subject, you'll be able to assist them by sharing reliable information and research.
I'm not well-read on the subject but can answer the basic questions.

What's the emotional climate at home? If you have the choice of when to tell, consider the timing. Choose a time when they're not dealing with such matters as the death of a close friend, pending surgery or the loss of a job.
Climate is good, as is our relationship.

Can you be patient? Your parents will require time to deal with this information if they haven't considered it prior to your sharing. The process may last from six months to two years.
Yes.

What's your motive for coming out now? Hopefully, it is because you love them and are uncomfortable with the distance you feel. Never come out in anger or during an argument, using your sexuality as a weapon.
Mike has it pegged here: "To stop lying to my parents, to be more truthful. To also be able to live my life more openly and perhaps pursue a relationship."

Do you have available resources? Homosexuality is a subject most non-gay people know little about. Have available at least one of the following: a book addressed to parents, a contact for the local or national Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, the name of a non-gay counselor who can deal fairly with the issue.
Books? Maybe I'll call Country Girl, what with all the homo research she has taken to doing.

Are you financially dependent on your parents? If you suspect they are capable of withdrawing college finances or forcing you out of the house, you may choose to wait until they do not have this weapon to hold over you.
I am employed full time with full benefits. I have plans to move out in the next 6 months or so, and have been working on taking control of all my finances.

What is your general relationship with your parents? If you've gotten along well and have always known their love -- and shared your love for them in return -- chances are they'll be able to deal with the issue in a positive way.
Good.

What is their moral societal view? If they tend to see social issues in clear terms of good/bad or holy/sinful, you may anticipate that they will have serious problems dealing with your sexuality. If, however, they've evidenced a degree of flexibility when dealing with other changing societal matters, you may be able to anticipate a willingness to work this through with you.
Mom took it quite well, it seems. She tends to believe along the same lines I do...that homosexuality is not a choice. I worry more about Dad's reaction, which is why he does not know yet.

Is this your decision? Not everyone should come out to their parents. Don't be pressured into it if you're not sure you'll be better off by doing so -- no matter what their response.
Yes

"Hag" Drama

2008-04-29T13:49:00.002-05:00

Country Girl has decided to take on a new crusade as a gay rights activist.
Great.

She wants to write a book about homosexuality.
Great.

She has joined the local chapter of PFLAG.
Great.

We (MBA Man, Fly Boy, me and the rest) support her in her endeavors and value her as a friend and ally. However, it seems like every conversation I have with her now turns to homosexuality. She has taken her interest in and concern for us to a level where it seems she's losing sight of who we are aside from being gay.

I love her, we all do, but we're tired.

How does one tell a dear friend when enough is enough?

On Hiatus for a Week or Two

2008-04-05T20:02:00.002-05:00

It occurred to me today I have not blogged here since March 18.

I'm still here, and still planning to blog. But, I am taking a short hiatus. Over the next couple of weeks I'll be working on putting a dent in my Google Reader backlog and on a couple of longer posts I have in draft.

I'll return soon. Happy Spring everyone!

Today's Humor

2008-03-18T20:48:00.002-05:00

Today while at work, another coworker looked at our clearly and openly gay student worker and said:

"S, you need a girl."

Which of course was followed by some chuckling after she walked away. Apparently her gaydar needs a little tuning.

Out at Work?-Part II

2008-03-18T20:13:00.002-05:00

I am officially out to the student worker.

Why did I lay my cards on the table?

I'm with this kid a lot. He works almost as much in a given week as our full time staff...30 hours or sometimes more. When you're around a person so much, and in such close proximity, you talk a lot. And this guy asks lots of questions...about my family, friends, social activities, blogs...you name it.

Yes, I could just refuse to discuss my personal life. But this is not just a student off the street...he's as much a coworker and friend as anything. And he'd likely have put the pieces together by now anyway. So, for better or worse, I told him.

And you know what? It felt good.

Spring Break

2008-03-18T20:04:00.003-05:00

Or lack thereof. Welcome to the real world, even when you work at a school.

But...best wishes to K, Troy, and the whole CA blogger crew for a wonderful time together!

Where's B?

2008-03-15T07:03:00.002-05:00

Some of you may be asking that question.

I've been a bit MIA from the blog lately. I've been busy with work, and distracted by other things. But, I assure you, dear readers, that I haven't disappeared and everything is fine. Those of you I talk to regularly know this.

Hopefully, I will have time to catch up with reading, writing and commenting in the next few days. I definitely have a few things I would like to talk about here.

For now, I'm preparing to leave for a quick, last minute jaunt to Grandma's with Mom...down today, back tomorrow...lots of time in the car for us.

Have a good weekend out there!

Dems Battle it Out

2008-03-05T15:59:00.001-06:00

Well, it looks like half the 2008 presidential race is figured out. McCain clinched the Republican nod...no major surprise there.

On the Democratic side, it appears Hillary has a slight bump in momentum, but Obama is still ahead in delegates and neither is yet close to the number needed to secure their nomination.

My opinion? A McCain-Clinton match up would be far less interesting than McCain-Obama. Clinton and McCain are two "old pols" it seems...Obama may provide more contrast. It's time for a new generation in the "upper level" of American Politics.

It'll be interesting to see the rest of this race play out.

For More...
CNN Politics

And some other bloggers talking about politics frequently:

Troystopher
Josh and Josh
Argyle Lounge
InnerJoeJoe

A Story From Last Weekend

2008-02-28T20:25:00.003-06:00

Last weekend I was asked to attend and help out with a diversity conference the student association I used to be involved in was putting on, Of course, I gladly did.

One of the activities was watching a dramatic dialogue performance. There were three scenes acted out, and each was followed by discussion with the audience. One was about homosexuality and a guy coming out to his college roommate. Basically, the roommate in the scene had a hard time dealing with the fact that his friend of two years was gay and he did not know it.

In the discussion that followed, one person noted that she understood the frustration of the straight roommate because two years is a long time to hide. All I could think was "Two years is nothing"

Later, the moderator of the discussion asked if anyone was willing to share a coming out story. An openly gay member of the group did.

I was extremely tempted at that moment to just say it....to raise my hand and address the group, and tell them that I'm gay...that stereotypes don't fit and even a respected and well known association alum like me can be...and it can be hidden for a long time (I've known some of these folks over 5 years now)

But alas, I did not. The time was not right and I did not want to become the talk of the weekend . The public venue was inappropriate. But the very fact I thought of doing it shows that my comfort level with it is increasing.

Out at Work?

2008-02-22T23:58:00.000-06:00

On Monday, I got a surprise call at my office from MBA Man. He wanted to briefly chat about a couple of things. Some of the conversation was clearly "gay" themed...or at least it may have sounded so to anyone who paid attention.

I used as much discretion as I could with my choice of words, etc. You see, I do not have a private office. In fact, I sit at a front desk. And right next to me, within easy earshot of every word I said was the student worker assigned to my area.

Now, this particular student is a confirmed homo...and I would be beyond shocked if he did not draw certain conclusions based on what he heard.

But I've realized something...I don't care much. While I'm not going to start acting more obvious or send memos announcing it, I am more at ease about people knowing I'm gay. If they figure it out, so be it. After all, the area I work in is a branch of the diversity office, and the diversity office also includes GLBTA programs. It seems only logical that the office ought to at the very least be tolerant...if not there are larger issues afoot.

I also took another small step this week by stopping to speak with the representative of the GLBTA office at the information fair held as part of my employee orientation and signing up for their email lists.

Little by little...

Damn You, Starbucks!

2008-02-21T10:44:00.002-06:00

I'm not a coffee drinker, but I like Chai latte on occasion.

Occasion used to be once every couple of months. Now I work near a Starbucks that can be accessed via underground tunnel from my office, and once every couple of months has turned into once every couple of days...which is expensive and can't be good for me, either.

Damn you, Starbucks!

Texting

2008-02-20T21:03:00.001-06:00

I've always had a dislike for text messaging.

Well, I may be changing my tune a bit. For the last couple of months I've been paying several dollars a month in casual text charges. I think it's time to accept that people are going to text me...and I will read them and reply, but there is no way I am going to keep paying Sprint's 20 cent fee per message to send/receive.

Now, I know I could simply add text messaging to my current plan and be done with it. But, if you know me you know why I hated texting in the first place...I type slow to begin with so pounding out messages on a regular phone keypad where you need to push a button 3-5 times to get your desired character...not so fun.

Solution: Get a smart phone or a phone with an included QWERTY keypad.

Problem with that? Even though I am eligible for a phone upgrade in April, that would require me signing a new contract AGAIN, which I already had to do in October, leaving me locked in to my current carrier until April 2010. While I have no overwhelming complaints about them, they are not faring well with customers lately and others are beginning to look more attractive.

My Options:

1) Renew in April for another two years and get a break on the phone I want then.
2) Spend $300-plus on the type of phone I want in order to avoid contract renewal.
3) Pay the $200 to exit my contract and port the number to another carrier (T-Mobile gets good reviews from some friends, and ATT is the home of iPhone, although I would not pop for one of those initially.)
4) Keep my current phone for the duration of the contract

Anyone out there want to comment on the cell phone racket, or endorse their carrier, phone or plan?

Feed Reader Survey

2008-02-19T20:58:00.001-06:00

A few months ago I started experimenting with feed readers to keep track of the blogs I enjoy.

First I tried Shrook.

Now I'm using Net News Wire and overall like it better. The problem? I tried synching with a free NewsGator account online and the online version says I have tons more unread posts than I actually do, and doesn't display my flagged items. Since I like to read entries and flag for later comment, I need to see those flagged items whether I'm on my MacBook, the family iMac, my iMac at the office or another machine.

Could Google Reader be worth a try?

Readers: Comment--what feed reader do you use and why?

Weekend With Troystopher and Midwest Ben

2008-02-18T13:35:00.005-06:00

This weekend I had the great pleasure of spending time with Troy and Ben as they visited Minneapolis for a couple of days. We had a very nice weekend together and I am confident we'll be good friends for a long time to come.

Saturday:
I met Troy at his hotel about 2 pm and we had a late lunch in one of the restaurants. We had nice conversation about such things as blogging, work, the Blogger Summit, and the fact his ears refused to pop (poor kid!).

Ben arrived and they went to dinner. While they were there, I had drinks in the hotel with family friend R, whom I have mentioned before on the blog. She had been wanting to get together to celebrate my new job, so I figured it was the perfect time. We talked about many things, including her recent change of majors, and...dating:

Me: I'm not really on the market right now.
R: What if a super hot girl came along?
Me: Umm...well...there won't ever be a hot girl for me.
R: How come?
Me: Well, I'm gay
R: Really? You're kidding!
Me: Nope

We then the standard coming out conversation that consists of "How long have you known? Have you had any relationships?" etc. She was very supportive, and when I asked if I'd freaked her out at all, she said "I used to be a fashion design major, I have tons of gay guy friends!"

Of course I asked her not to say anything to her family, since it would get back to my parents and my dad doesn't know yet, nor am I prepared for him to.

After the guys had finished dinner and R and I parted ways, we headed to a dessert bar and I had some very good cheescake before we proceeded to the local Comedy Sportz to see some improv. I had never been before, and it was pretty good...except for the fact the red team won and the three of us thought the blue team was better.

By that time we were exhausted and retired for the evening.

Sunday:
We got up late and decided to head to the Hard Rock for lunch. Man, the portions were HUGE. I think our eyes were bigger than our stomachs, as we each finished about half our meals.

Then we went to the local GameWorks that was in the same complex. It was pretty funny, I had not been to an arcade in years! We did a bunch of games, mostly driving/racing and several rounds of "Deal or No Deal." Troy tried the infamous DDR, which was pretty funny to watch...said it was a good workout.

After GameWorks, it was off to the alumni bowling event that was being hosted by the student association I worked with in college. It was fun... in a kind of funky old bowling alley that is a bit of a Mpls landmark. I had to dodge the "how do you know these guys?" question a few times, but oh well. Troy is certainly the best bowler...I forget Ben's score but I'm pretty sure I got a paltry 45, maybe it was 42. Didn't get many high fives for spares or strikes, that's for sure!

After bowling we returned to the hotel and had a drink and a snack to close out our weekend. Ben headed back to school and I crashed there to avoid the hassle of having to turn around and come back into the city this morning--worked out well, as I was able to say goodbye and hop a cab to the office the same time Troy grabbed the airport shuttle.

It was such a nice time...a great experience to be able to see that we all are in fact who we appear to be. Feels good to have seen two of the guys who have become good friends of mine through this blog in recent months and for all of us to welcome each other into our "real lives." As anyone who has met them or reads their blogs knows, these are two really fantastic guys.

So, Troystopher and Ben, thank you for a wonderful weekend! I love you guys and look forward to the next time we meet. You both rock!!

(see Troy's post for more)

New Blog--Check Him Out

2008-02-07T13:33:00.000-06:00

I have to give props to a very special new blog. MBA Man has made the leap from LiveJournal to Blogger. Check out his new place on the web:

A Day in the Life Of

Congrats; Blogger Summit Info

2008-02-05T21:32:00.000-06:00

First off, I want to say CONGRATS to Matt and Closeted, who both started new jobs this week! Good luck guys!

Second, please see updates to the Blogger Meet Up web site. Now known as Blogger Summit, the event will be held June 27-30. Contact Troy, JR, K or me for more info!

I'm Still Here

2008-02-03T23:01:00.000-06:00

I know I've been slightly MIA the last week or so folks. Starting new jobs and such will do that. All is well and the first week was good. Hopefully I will have time for a more substantial update in the next couple days. Hang in there with me people, please don't stop reading!

Day One

2008-01-28T22:57:00.000-06:00

For any who may wonder, Day One at the new job went well. It was rather uneventful...typical first day stuff. I met lots of people and was given far too much new information that I probably won't remember until I do the tasks.

Some things I will like about this job:

Coworkers seem great.
Casual dress...jeans are ok!
I get to use a Mac!
I will learn a LOT
and so much more...

All in all, this is going to be a very good thing!

Catching Up With MBA Man

2008-01-26T21:33:00.000-06:00

Had dinner with MBA Man last night. He told me vacation stories and we talked about life. It was nice. It occurred to me it was the first time we had gotten together one on one in over three years. I guess that is the way of things when friends are in relationships. Times change.

It is interesting how our dynamic has changed over the last several months since I came out to him. Some of our conversation topics are the same, but others are very different. There is an added comfort now to address topics neither of us would have touched before. I think it is the change that comes with knowing you are both playing for the same "team." I trust him and he trusts me--I believe there is very little left that we keep from one another. There are still moments when I think "I can't believe what he just told me." But, I'm glad he does--and I'm glad I can be just as open and honest with him.

Everyone should have a friend like that.

ATWT Gets Cheesy

2008-01-25T15:12:00.000-06:00

Ok, I think it's cheesy to begin with and only watch for the Luke and Noah storyline.

That being said, does anyone else think the whole "Sam" thing is a bit much? Come on!

Joining The Working World

2008-01-25T15:08:00.000-06:00

That's right folks...B is employed.

After 8 or so months of job searching I have finally landed a position that will begin my desired career.

If you want to know more, ask off blog.

And in case you wonder why I may be on AIM much less and a little slower to blog or comment, now you know.

I start Monday.

Props...

2008-01-21T16:05:00.000-06:00

Major props to friend and fellow blogger Troystopher, who was profiled this morning on Best Gay Blogs. Check out the article:

BGB-Troy Christopher: Invitation Only

Congrats on the notoriety buddy!

Brrrr!

2008-01-20T23:04:00.000-06:00

It has been below zero here most of the weekend.

And you all (you know who you are) think the 40s and 50s are cold? Send some to MN will ya?

As if that was not bad enough, MBA Man sent an email to everyone yesterday with photos and a description of the Mid-80s in Cancun.

A warm weather vacation would be great right about now.

A Variety of Shout Outs

2008-01-15T13:17:00.000-06:00

To My Readers:
Have I mentioned lately how much I love you all? The connections and friendships made through this blog are absolutely incredible and invaluable to me.

Oh, and just so you know, even if I may be a latecomer with my comments sometimes it does not mean I am behind in reading...I have a routine whereby I flag everything I want to comment on in my RSS reader and go back to it later. So, while I probably read your posts every day I may not comment until several days later.

To My Buddy V. Jay:
The boy is pledging to a frat--and doing so openly. It can't be easy and takes a lot of guts. I know a couple of former fratboys who are gay but they were not out in the frat. So, go V!

To A Couple of New Bloggers:
I've had the pleasure of chatting recently with a couple of new bloggers who are out there:

Dane @ I'm Well Informed and Out
Kris @ Poetry and Stories

These guys are cool. Stop by their blogs and say hello!

And to a Blogger Returned...
Tally has returned with "You've Got a Gay" v. 2.0

A Conversation With Bi Boy

2008-01-11T15:22:00.000-06:00

Last night I was up quite late on AIM, and was surprised to get a message from Bi Boy. It's been some time since I heard from him.

He procceded to tell me that he'd been out last week with someone I'd know. Of course I wondered who. He tells me the guy's name and after a second I realized he was talking about MBA Man's ex...the guy he dated before the LTR with Photo Guy. He asked what I knew about this guy, which really isn't much since I never actually met him...but I'm sure during the course of their conversation somehow the connection was made.

So, the world gets smaller. But the conversation got more interesting when he asked about my love life. I was starting to get the sense from the conversation that he might know something about me--somehow I doubt he'd have told a straight guy friend about picking up boys and "getting [his] whore on."

Then, this:

BB: hey did you and [Apple Guy]ever
BB:?
Me: ever what?
BB: that is what i am asking
Me: No...however you must know more about me than I think to have wondered about that
BB:lol
BB:you never know
Me:You can say it, I'll tell you the truth
Me: or ask it, I guess
BB: what if you say that you and [Apple Guy] did nothing i take that
BB: but i know you wanted him
BB: BAD
Me:I did not
BB:right
Me:Right....YOU wanted [Apple Guy]
BB:yes and no

Me:I will say that your radar is good....because I am
BB:you say it like i did not know
Me:how did you know? [Daisy Duke] tell you?
BB:no
BB:i just know

Anyway, it was an interesting and surprising conversation. To learn that not only is he dating one of my friends exes, but he knew about me all along...and I'm far from "obvious", so the boy's gaydar must be finely tuned.

Indeed an interesting chat to have online at 2 am.

Blogger Meet Up Info Site

2008-01-09T16:36:00.000-06:00

For anyone seeking info on the blogger meet up we are planning, go to:

http://bloggersmeetup.blogspot.com

We've been pleased to hear from so many already and look forward to making contact with many more!

Blogger Meet Up 2008

2008-01-07T22:03:00.000-06:00

TO OUR READERS:

We “gay bloggers” are an interesting group. Whether we’re semi-closeted or out and proud, from sunny California or the chillier regions of Canada, we are all connected. Whether we have been blogging three months or three years, we all seem to be part of a community. Look at any of our blogrolls and it becomes apparent there are far fewer than “six degrees of separation” at work.

Have you ever wanted to meet your blog buddies but wondered if it would ever be possible? Have you dreamed of getting people together but didn’t know how to go about it? We have too, and we have an answer!

Blogger Meet Up 2008!

We propose a gathering of bloggers to be held this summer in Chicago. It would be a chance for many of us to get together, hang out, and have fun in a casual atmosphere. We are thinking of about a 3-day get together, over a weekend in June or July.

Are you interested? Please contact one of us!

Troy of “Troystopher”
K of “I Have to Admit It”
B of “ Figuring Myself Out”
JR of “Nothing Golden Stays”

When contacting us to indicate your interest, let us know of your preferred weekends. Please email us no later than Friday, Feb. 29th so we can get dates set and look for a hotel to accommodate the group. Watch our blogs for additional information as plans progress.

We look forward to hearing from you. Lets make this a fun event!

All our Best,
B, Troy, K and JR

First Days of a New Year

2008-01-06T21:26:00.000-06:00

I realized tonight I have not blogged in several days, again. There are stretches where I just do not feel motivated to blog and this has been another of them. Oh well, I guess it is my blog and I'm allowed to set the updating pace...thanks to you who read for putting up with my sporadic-ness.

Job Search:
There is progress on this front, as I have taken the next step. My strong prospect job, which I have told a few of you about, finally posted, I heard from my contact and I applied. Now, more waiting.

Politics:
I have been following IA and NH, but so much has been said about this by others that I won't repeat it here.

Family Weekend:
My Uncle, Aunt and cousin came up for a visit this weekend. We had a nice time chatting, playing games and etc. Unfortunately, Mom has been ill...thinks she has food poisining. She was able to visit with them a bit yesterday but Dad and I did much of the "entertaining."

A Reconnection:
Remember the reason I ditched the chats? Well, one thing I never did was take AIM Boy off of either of my buddy lists. I don't know why or what possessed me to do so, but last night I IMed him just for a lark to see if he'd respond. He did and we proceeded to have a lengthy conversation about a lot of things. I am not sure what if anything will come of it but we both seem to have an interest in rekindling a friendship.

MBA Man Meets a Blogger:
A while back when I told MBA Man about this blog, I also told him a little bit about a few of my blog friends. Well, he's been in Chicago this weekend for work and this morning had brunch with Troystopher. (I had given them each other's emails and etc.) While I'm just a smidge jealous that MBA Man met my blogger buddy before me, I have to say I think it's kind of cool that connection could be made as a result of my blog.

Shout out...
To a new blog I like: Coming to Terms With "IT"

There you have it, folks. My life in a nutshell for the first few days of 2008!

Happy New Year!!

2008-01-01T00:29:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year everyone!

Thank you for joining me on my "journey out" these last months. I've met great guys and worked on "Figuring Myself Out" through this little blog. May we all continue to learn and grow with each other in 2008.

Thanks for Reading!

Bye Bye 2007

2007-12-31T20:20:00.000-06:00

Not my worst year, but not my best either. Took major steps in coming out, but that has been both a happy and scary experience. There have been many moments of stress in my life this year. Overall, I will be glad for the renewal that 2008 will bring.

To Share or Not?

2007-12-29T19:30:00.000-06:00

Over at DTB, Matt is considering what to tell his straight friend before he spends the night. One commenter asks why two friends would ever share a bed in 2007.

Answer: It is far more common than one might think, especially in travel situations. When I was traveling around the state for SG, it was common to have either 3 or 4 people to a hotel room. Therefore, you got used to sharing a bed.

Gay, straight or something in between...the question was never asked. It was a non-issue. It was either share the bed or sleep on the motel room floor.

In fact, I slept in the same bed with Apple Guy the night I came out to him. We didn't think twice.

So, in my humble opinion, if it's just about a place to sleep, it shouldn't be an issue.

B's Christmas Weekend 2007

2007-12-26T16:08:00.000-06:00

I had a nice, relaxing, somewhat low key Christmas weekend.

Saturday: Did my shopping while Mom went to the grocery store. Was quite aggravated by it. Note to self: Stick to the SuperTarget near home. Going to other Targets that are arranged differently is confusing.

Sunday: Helped clean and bake cookies, watched movies.

Monday: Lazy morning for me. Mom finished baking. Dad was working and so was my sister, so Mom and I went to an open house some friends were having. Dad cooked the traditional steak dinner, although the meat was poor this time...we will not be getting steaks from that grocery store for a while! Waited up for sister to get home and went to bed.

Tuesday: Was up around 10:3o and we sat and watched TV for awhile. Sister was not feeling well but we woke her up long enough to open gifts about 2 pm...probably the latest Christmas "morning" I can remember. Made the usual calls to relatives. Mom, Dad and I went to see family friends for Christmas dinner, which was a very nice time. Upon arriving back home, met Sister's new boyfriend who had come over.

What I Got:

"Bad President" page a day calendar that counts down Bush's days in office.
A new all-in-one printer/copier/scanner to replace my aging printer that sounds as if it could die any time.
A black cashmere overcoat...I had commented recently that my other winter jackets are not really appropriate to wear when I am dressed up for interviews, weddings, or whatever.
A scarf to go with the coat.
A new pair of slippers.
A deodorant/cologne gift set
Some stationery items since I enjoy sending people notes from time to time.
Some Reese's candy

All nice things that will prove useful to me.

A Merry Christmas indeed.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-24T18:23:00.001-06:00

Hope everyone out there has a WONDERFUL holiday filled with good cheer, family, friends and loved ones.

We Have to Think About It

2007-12-22T16:50:00.000-06:00

Another good YouTube video.

Dispelling Stereotypes-The B Edition

2007-12-17T17:23:00.000-06:00

After watching the video below, you may be curious to learn a little more about me. Because like the person in it, I don't fit most gay stereotypes either.

Some things about B that you may or may not know:

I enjoy the outdoors
I like Housewives, Brothers and Sisters etc. but also love shows like The Office and Damages.
QAF is great, but I don't think it's how 99 percent of people behave.
I am not obsessed with Cher or Barbara
I am not "domestic" in any sense of the word (cooking, baking,etc.)
I don't have an eye for fashion and there is scarcely a designer label in my closet
I am not obsessed with musical theatre
I do not automatically know who's gay or not--my gaydar sucks

Just because I am gay doesn't mean I fit all stereotypes. Conversely, not fitting stereotypes doesn't make one "less gay" and a switch does not flip upon coming out that makes you fit the mold.

Dispelling Stereotypes

2007-12-17T17:15:00.000-06:00

Found this video on YouTube the other day and I like it.

Don't be a part of being gay, let being gay be a part of you.
-Jake

More New Blogs

2007-12-12T15:24:00.000-06:00

Check out a couple of new blogs on my list:

Midwest Ben- he was on hiatus for a while but started blogging again recently. We've chatted by AIM and he seems like a cool guy. And it turns out he spends most of his year at college just south of "The Cities" here in MN, so we are practically in each other's backyards.

Cooper's Corridor- I was told by Eliot that this was a must read, and I have to agree. Cooper seems like a great guy...with a huge heart. Only a few years older than me and raising 2 adopted sons as a single dad. Impressive. And he's a pretty good writer too, it seems.

How Different Do I Feel?

2007-12-11T15:10:00.000-06:00

Erik over at Whittle et. Al asks: How different do you feel? He has a lot of the same questions and fears we all do, although I will admit that I am far more socially liberal than he when it comes to issues such as gay adoption.

One of the things my Mom asked me after the unplanned coming out was why I had not done so until now, and we talked about the social ramifications that I am oh so aware of:

• I’ll never have natural children.
• I’ll never have a legal marriage.
• I’ll be forced to confront stereotypes every day.
• I may lose friends over it.
• There are some family members that can never know, because it would kill the close relationship I hold with them.
• And more…

Why then, would any person want to come out? Many of us face major hurdles in doing so. The fact of the matter is that I have come to believe that it is necessary to do in order to live a happy and productive adult life. I believe those of us who are gay were born gay…a belief I know is not shared by everyone, even some gay people.

The only choice I have made is to quit denying it. I will never be an activist, Pride-marching gay man…it’s just not me. And not every person I come in to contact with needs to know...if they figure it out, fine but they won't be flat out told.

But I need to find some comfort in who I am as a person, and I also do not wish to be alone for the rest of my life.

As far as being different, well, I already am. Some of you have been let in to my “real” life over the last few months and if you have you know I’ve faced bigger adversities than this.

I’m a pretty resilient SOB…whatever life’s going to throw at me as a result of my sexuality, I say bring it on, I’m not letting it get me down.

Funny

2007-12-11T15:02:00.000-06:00

Check out these video posts from a while back on Overnight NY:

Iowa Republicans

Iowa's Benjamin Johnson, Fabulous

LOL.

Been meaning to post these for some time. Gotta play a little catch up with posting!

Answering "How Goes It?"

2007-12-08T19:14:00.000-06:00

About a week ago, before my semi-hiatus, I posted about the debate I was having about how to answer the "How Goes It?" question with regard to The Advisor.

Several days ago, I emailed him, and chose to go with option two. I was honest about how things were going. In the closing paragraphs of the email, I wrote:

"There is one other thing I want to share with you that sort of relates to living happily, at least as far as I am concerned. Over the past several months as I have struggled with pending and post graduation anxiety, employment worries, grad school worries and the like, I have thought a lot about who I am and who I want to be as a happy and productive adult. It is, as we talked about back in the Spring, something every person goes through.

However, there is one thing I did not tell you then that I know you will relate to very much is that I have begun to acknowledge that I too, am a gay man. I’m choosing to share this with you because I want you to know how much I respect you for having the courage to live your life openly and I hope that in time, as I enter what you’ve termed an accepting and affirming profession in [...] that I will be able to do the same. "

Why tell you now? Because the final car on my post holiday roller coaster was being asked point blank by my mother, after having dinner with a group of mostly gay friends if I was as well, and telling the truth. She reacted positively, although Dad may be a tougher cookie to crack so I’m waiting a little while on that one. My dinner companions know/knew, as do [Apple Guy] and [Daisy Duke]. In fact, [Apple Guy] was the one who unwittingly broke the camel’s back with a comment about my need to “get in touch with myself” during the trip to [event]…so in a way I owe him a debt of gratitude as well..."

I hadn't heard anything from him, and as he is usually quick to respond, thought perhaps I'd shocked him to speechlessness. This afternoon, I got a message from him...he apologized for the delayed response...apparently he's recovering from a hospital stay. He wrote, in part:

"Appreciated taking me into your confidence when you came out. Certainly will provide new conversations for us. I hope that you've found/are finding supportive folks.

More when I'm back to campus."

It feels good to know that another person I trust and respect knows about this aspect of my life.

Pardon the Lackluster Posting This Week...

2007-12-05T15:15:00.000-06:00

I know I have been slacking on both posting and reading and commenting. I've had a stressful couple of weeks in general since Thanksgiving. Added to that, a friend and colleague from my days in state-level student gov't passed away last week. It was sudden, unexpected and hit all who knew him pretty hard. So, I've spent a lot of my time the last few days communicating with friends, reading tributes on Facebook and other blogs, etc.

But I'm back now. Watch for me.

How Goes It?

2007-11-29T00:28:00.000-06:00

Over at Frozen Underwear, Steve is contemplating how honest to be when a friend asks you about your personal life. I'm having a similar debate with myself over how to respond to an email from The Advisor.

We've been in contact since I left school because I'm ultimately trying to enter the same profession. He's been very helpful and yesterday emailed me a posting he thought might interest me. I replied with a thank you, and in turn, he replied and asked "how goes it?"

Because he's a mentor and friend, I know that he asks out of more than courtesy...and cares on some level about what the answer is.

I have two options:

1) I could reply with the usual "Pretty good. Applied at x place. blah, blah, blah"

2) I could take a more honest and personal approach--let him know of the ups and downs of my current job search, as well as what's been going on personally--namely my decision to begin coming out, and the weekend developments. Recall that he is one of the people I never told but kind of wish I had.

Part of me is feeling like I want to fill him in, yet I know it is a big thing to talk about via email. Of course I don't visit my college town often--well I haven't been back yet, so doing it in person anytime soon isn't really an option.

Hmm. What to do.

What's up With the Blogosphere These Days?

2007-11-27T16:07:00.000-06:00

I want to take a minute to address something that's been bothering me lately: the demise of some of my favorite blogs. In the years I have been a part of the blogosphere I have seen many come and go, it is a natural cycle.

Recently, though I am starting to notice people dropping their blogs (and Facebook) for reasons beyond being tired of them. I'm seeing great blogs die because the writers are becoming overwhelmed with a feeling of overexposure or are tired of assholes leaving nasty comments under the guise of "Anonymous."

It's really sad. While I am fully aware that we all have to watch ourselves online, blogs are supposed to be a medium of free expression. They are supposed to be the writer's domain. Obviously there is a line...we shouldn't be writing slanderous lies about our friends and enemies, but being authentic should be applauded.

Am I authentic? Yes. Could I be more so? Yes, such as in the sense that I could come out from behind my initial and stop using codenames for my friends...and that will come with time as the closet door opens wider.

When did openness and honesty in blogging become a bad thing?

Thank you, Troystopher for being one of those open and honest bloggers, and an all around great guy--In fact, the first "gay blogger" I really communicated with, just as I was starting FMO. To me and many others, you are more than just another blogger, you're our friend. I'm sure many of us will be in touch, but your blog will be missed.

What a Cool Bumper Sticker

2007-11-26T16:38:00.000-06:00

"Hatred is not a family value"

Damn right it's not.

via Anonyboy

Gaybonics

2007-11-26T15:56:00.000-06:00

After my post about applied homo lingo, Joe posted a comment linking to one of his old posts. Read it, it's pretty funny:

Click Here

Homo Lingo Applied

2007-11-25T18:53:00.000-06:00

Not long ago, I posted about "homo lingo"

Last night, I got my first taste of it when I heard Fly Boy call me a bitch. I don't know what was being discussed at that moment, but I stopped in my tracks:

Me: Fly Boy, did you just call me a bitch?

Fly Boy: Yeah, I can do that since you're one of us now.

A Little More About Last Night

2007-11-25T15:17:00.000-06:00

I have been thinking a lot about what happened last night, specifically with telling my mom. I had not intended on telling either parent for a while...probably not until I had moved out and was a little more stable. It would just have been easier that way, I figured...and less of a risk.

So, why do it on the spur of the moment like that?

-It shouldn't be that big of a deal-it is what it is.
-She asked point blank, and I am not a good liar.
-Despite saying she had no idea, I can't imagine she'd have brought it up had she not wondered, at least a little.

In the end, I think everything will be fine. There hasn't been any awkwardness between us in the "aftermath" and I don't think there will be.

I think the funniest part was her wondering why, if I had been gay all along, I was so surprised when MBA Man first came out. I told her that just because I'm gay doesn't mean my gaydar is any good.

I'm finding that as hard as I try to "plan" my coming outs, it just kind of happens. Maybe that's for the best, and a sign that I am becoming more comfortable with all this.

All I Can Say: HOLY SHIT!

2007-11-24T23:09:00.000-06:00

Tonight I had dinner with MBA Man, Country Girl, Fly Boy, and friends of MBA Man and Fly Boy. I had told MBA Man about a week ago that I was probably going to use the opportunity to come out to Country Girl.

Most of the dinner conversation was typical. We laughed and joked and partook in usual meal banter. We had a conversation about how much I hate text messenging on my phone, so the others sent a few in jest.

Toward the end of the meal, Fly Boy's friend brought up the fact that I was the only straight man at the table. I then asked why he assumed that, and when Country Girl gave me a confused look and didn't quite pick up on the "You realized what I just admitted, don't you" , I looked at her and whispered "I'm not straight" which was followed by a shocked look from her.

At that point all the guys at the table decided it was time for another drink and headed down to another restaurant in the mall. I talked to CG for a few more minutes and basically explained the short version of how I had gotten to this point. I asked her to stay mum on the subject but did say she could talk to her mom about it.

So we went down to the other restaurant and had a couple more drinks. The guys teased me a bit about being "one of them now". CG was pretty quiet...I think she was trying to let it sink in, but she has assured me she's OK with it. We all hugged as we were leaving, and Fly Boy made me promise to go out with them afterwards next time...they all headed to the bars but I could not since Mom was shopping in the mall and had done so in order to be my ride home after my dinner.

I expected that to be the end of my coming out for the night...

In the car, Mom and I had a conversation. It went something like this:

Mom: So who was at Dinner?

Me: MBA Man, Country Girl, Fly Boy, MBA Man's Coworker, Fly Boy's Coworker

Mom: So how is everyone?

Me: (Fill her in)

Mom: So does Fly Boy's Coworker date girls or guys? (He was new to the group)

Me: He's gay

Mom: Oh. A lot of your friends seem to be. Is Country Girl?

Me: No, she's interested in a guy at work.

Mom: Are YOU gay?

At this point I there was a pause while I decided whether to lie or not...

Me: Am I GAY? Are you seriously asking me that? Why on earth would you ask me that?

Mom: Well are you?

Me: What do you think?

Mom: Probably not.

Me: If you really want an answer, I will give one. You're wrong. The answer is yes.

Mom: Yes what?

Me: Yes, I'm gay.

Basically I spent the rest of our short ride home trying to explain how long I'd known and asking if she'd ever had any inkling. She really didn't...but we were both very matter of fact. I told her I understood if she didn't agree, but that it is what it is.

All in all, she seemed very understanding. I asked that she not say anything to Dad for now, because he may not take it so well, and I am living under their roof after all.

It was TOTALLY unplanned and I'm kinda freaked that I actually did it. I mean, holy frickin shit I am out to my mother!

Definitely a night I will not soon forget.

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T13:37:00.000-06:00

It's Turkey Day!
Eat lots, have fun, be safe!

Funny Videos

2007-11-20T11:21:00.000-06:00

I saw these video clips posted on Closet NS yesterday. They appear to be clips from an MTV show. Like Matt, I could not help but laugh. Watch both parts:

I mean, come on? Who comes out and has two guys after him that fast. In the end of course he makes the right choice

New ATWT Interview

2007-11-19T00:46:00.000-06:00

Check out the latest interview from AfterElton:

Click Here

Responding to Reader Comments

2007-11-18T00:34:00.000-06:00

Thanks to all who commented on my recent posts.

With regard to blogging about the Haloscan mistake:
I know it is possible they could click here, see that and put two and two together. I thought about taking it down, but decided against it. If they know, they know. They aren't folks I see regularly so there is not the awkwardness and paranoia you might expect.

With regard to friends breaking up:
I have been told they are still being civil to one another, which is good. When I talked to MBA Man the other day he assured me he was doing OK. I know he is quite a positive and resilient guy, so he'll land on his feet. And Joe is correct that life in general is a fragile thing.

Why I post a lot about Student Government:
Joe also mentioned that he might have been under the impression I was still a student because of my many SG references. I do indeed talk a lot about my past as a student leader on this blog, and on my other one. As I'm sure folks like Joe and V.Jay can also attest, as a college student in SG, it becomes a HUGE part of your life...as it was in mine from September of 02 when I entered my university until this May when I graduated. I met most of my close friends in SG, such as Country Girl, MBA Man, Apple Guy and Daisy Duke. And I'm still connected to a point through the state association's attempts to organize alumni. So, even though I have graduated the references continue.

A Sad Turn of Events

2007-11-15T14:45:00.000-06:00

A bit of unfortunate news to report in my world.

MBA Man and Photo Guy are no longer a couple. I won't go into details here because it's not my life or my business. Suffice it to say that several weeks of ups and downs culminated in a breakup. As their friend it saddens me that it ended as it did after three years, but it must be what's best for both of them.

Relationships are fragile things, aren't they?

Worry Not, I Am Still Here

2007-11-15T14:18:00.000-06:00

Joe commented that I hadn't blogged in a few days. Worry not, I'm OK. And it's not midterms, since I'm not a student. There simply hasn't been much going on lately that fits on this blog.

New to sidebar:
Jonathan at Rabid Mongoose has transitioned to Degree and a Soy Latte .
Check him out.

Haloscan oops:
This morning I was commenting on some blogs that use Haloscan. I inadvertently left comments on two friends' blogs using my name but linking to THIS blog instead of my other one. Needless to say, a "HOLY SHIT!!" moment. I couldn't get rid of the comments so I left follow ups saying the auto-complete had filled in a website that wasn't mine. The auto-complete part is true.

Clarification...

2007-11-10T15:53:00.000-06:00

Based on a couple of comments on my post entitled "The Thing With Country Girl", it appears some out there think she might be interested in me.

Just to clear that up: NO

We have never been and will never be more than friends. Even if I was straight, she's not attracted to me...I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt.

So, no one is leading anyone on, unless not having told her I'm gay qualifies.

Paranoia

2007-11-09T15:31:00.000-06:00

So yeah...I think I am paranoid. Probably, as one comment stated, it just goes with being closeted. Suffice it to say the reader discussed in the post about my blog worlds colliding has never seen my other blog and it is a non-issue.

New on FMO...

2007-11-08T13:49:00.000-06:00

I wanted to showcase a couple of blogs new to my sidebar:

Overnight in NY

The Search

A Gay Athlete's Life

Opening the Closet

Are My Two Blog Worlds In Danger of Colliding?

2007-11-08T13:37:00.000-06:00

This morning I was reading a post from one of the many blogs on my sidebar and I noticed something strange. There was text within the post that looked as if it had been taken from an entry on my main blog.

The bloggers in question read this blog but I had no idea they had seen my other blog. Now, this is the internet and for all I know they could have Googled a subject and found me.

It really makes me wonder how many people are aware of both my blogs, and whether or not they have made the connection and realize that blogger and this blogger are the same person.

The Thing With Country Girl

2007-11-02T15:22:00.000-05:00

Long post ahead.

See, there is this thing with Country Girl. She wants a guy…badly. I think at 26 she already feels the clock is ticking and she will end up an old cat lady. As much as those of us around her have tried to convince her otherwise, she’s had a hard time believing it. She’s had some rough times and challenges in her life and has had some esteem issues.

As a result, she gets very attached to her friends. Which in a way is very sweet, however it is not healthy for her. A couple of years ago, she fell for her best friend, call him Enviro Boy (an environmentalist). They had become close while at our university and when he graduated she took his leaving very hard. Eventually, she did come clean about her feelings and while he did not share them they are now back in the same city and still close.

Recently, she became very infatuated with another good friend. We’ll call him Fly Boy, because he works for the local airline. They met at work...he has a second job at the place she works. She says Fly Boy would be perfect for her, except for one thing...he’s gay. And now he’s decided to move to The Cheese State to live with an on-again-off-again boyfriend. We think he’s crazy but that’s another story in and of itself. She’s having a tough time with it, she says because of the fact he’s a friend leaving and not the crush.

And of course, she admits she had the requisite crush on MBA Man when he first came on the scene, but as I have said before that was true of many people. So, we’ve now established that CG falls for gays and men who are not interested…

Well, the other day she was telling me, and MBA Man, about the security guard at work that seems to have his eye on her, and she likes him too. We told her to ask him out, and are happy for her because:
1) The guy is interested
2) The guy is “real”…she’s tried the eHarmony thing to no avail
3) It is something for her to focus on besides Fly Boy’s anticipated departure

So anyway, MBA Man and I were joking with her about going on a date with this guy. He suggested they double with him and Photo Guy. I said we ought to make it a triple…that I should have “my guy” come down and join us. See, Country Girl found the joke about me and Apple Guy to be particularly funny and brings it up whenever I mention him…since I saw him last week it’s fresh again in her mind.

Note that these were IM conversations, and were not a group chat...e.g. Country Girl didn’t know what was being said on our end. I don’t remember exact wording but here is the jist:

MBA Man: “You are sooo totally hinting to Country Girl!”
Me: What is she saying to you?
MBA: She thinks you are sweet on Apple Guy or whatever…that the whole AG thing is funny.
Me: She brings up the joke EVERY TIME I mention his name, I just play on it, is that bad?
MBA: No, I just think it is funny
MBA: Don’t tell her on IM though
Me: I won’t

Basically, we continued to talk about the whole issue of me telling Country Girl. I commented that I sometimes wish she would just ask me if indeed she does suspect it…but it is hard to know. One minute she’ll be almost implying she knows, the next she’ll be commenting on my straightness. I have indeed been dropping hints, figuring that if there is suspicion it may soften the blow when she does hear it.

One thing MBA Man and I agreed on is that it will probably freak her out that yet another person in her small close circle is gay. I just remember the shock of MBA Man’s nrews…while she is a total ally it took her some time, and a trip to her counselor, to process.

She’s a very dramatic person at times. Lots of worry, lots of tears. Telling her means being ready to handle the fallout…she will make it into a big deal. On top of that, it means her entire family will find out…her relatives all know me.

When and how to tell her is a delicate issue-- want her to know yet I do not want the drama that will follow.

This coming out thing is a bitch.

I Am Me

2007-11-01T11:31:00.000-05:00

Troystopher provides an insightful response to my "Are You Gay?" post. I certainly agree with the point that I do not want it to define who I am...it is only a small part of the whole of me. Yep, I have realized I am gay, but more importantly I AM ME.

Side note: I am honored to be referred to as one of his favorite blogs.

In other news, I had conversations last night with both Country Girl and MBA Man. Sounds like CG may have her eyes on a Country Boy, and the problems I mentioned a couple of weeks ago have been resolved for MBA Man, which is great.

ATWT Update

2007-10-31T14:16:00.000-05:00

So I was watching ATWT today and it looks like "Nuke" has hit a snag...namely that Luke is bitter, depressed and lashing out.

Also, via IJJ, a new source for clips is here.

Happy Halloween

2007-10-31T14:15:00.000-05:00

Happy Halloween folks!

Are You Gay?

2007-10-30T16:33:00.000-05:00

Over at DTB, Matt recently ruminated on the topic of the dreaded question:

Are you gay?

Personally, I think I am almost at the point where I’m ready to give a truthful reply. I almost wish some people would just ask that question, as it would be so easy to just answer “Yes” instead of having to sit and plan what to say and when. Sure, I’d still have some explaining to do and questions to answer, but it still seems like it would be easier for them to bring it up as opposed to me.

Of course I have been asked the question before, in jest, particularly by the person that gave me so much shit about my friendship with Apple Guy. I was actually amazed she didn’t make some comment on Friday, as she was with the SG folks that came down, Had she done so, I would have been so tempted to turn to her and say:

“Guess what A, I am gay, you caught me. I’ve always been and will always be. I was gay before you started all the teasing in September, and I will always be. Regardless, Apple Guy is a platonic buddy and always will be. Now please move on and let someone else be the focus of your jokes, because we’ve both had enough.”

Ah, the things that could have been said.

An Evening With the SG Crew

2007-10-28T01:01:00.000-05:00

Friday night I attended a function put on by the state wide SG group I used to be part of. It was great to see so many people I haven't since at least April if not longer. Of course there were folks there from my old campus, and I got a chance to hang with them a bit. It was good to be back among those friends for a few hours...I've missed them in the months since graduating.

Hoping for a few more substantial posts in the coming week. Stay tuned.

Back

2007-10-24T20:43:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am back. I had a great time at the conference I attended...learned some things, met lots of people in my desired profession, and have some contacts that could prove useful in finding a job and also choosing a graduate program.

The Advisor was there, as were a couple of others from my former school. I had thought about telling him what I'm currently going through, but it was not in the cards for us to have a conversation that did not involve several other people. So, I did not.

I had some interesting IM chats with MBA Man and Country Girl the past couple of days. Each is struggling with problems right now, and I hope all turns out OK.

See You Wednesday...

2007-10-21T01:52:00.000-05:00

Once again I have taken the weekend off, which seems to be a pattern for this blog.

I'm headed up to a conference for a couple of days and am leaving the trusty MacBook behind this trip.

So, it's highly unlikely I'll do any blog reading or writing until Wednesday. See you then!

The Facebook Factor

2007-10-19T11:28:00.000-05:00

There seem to be a lot of people who debate when and whether to come out on Facebook. I most recently saw this on Frozen Underwear.

I currently have left the “Interested in” portion of my profile empty. A lot of people do this, especially those who like the same sex, it seems. Some might even say leaving that part out of your profile is an admission in itself…I know Joe did once on his blog. Not sure I agree, but he’s entitled to his view.

At the university I attended, there are currently seven men who say they are interested in men. I know for a fact there are more than seven gay or bi men on campus. Even Bi Boy, who was once out on Facebook, appears to have gone “back in”. I suspect it may be because potential employers may be checking, and the last thing one wants is to be outed at work before the interview.

I would love to say I will soon be coming out on Facebook. It would be a quick, easy, and relatively painless way to let people know. However, there are several reasons why I’m not:

1) The employer factor—they DO check Facebook, and it’s none of their business.
2) Family-Facebook friends include my sister and cousins…not ready to “go there” with them.
3) It’s impersonal
4) Perhaps most important-is it really the business of every one of my 400 some friends, and thousands of people in my school and regional networks to know if I’m gay or straight?

These four factors alone lead me to conclude that I will not be outing myself via Facebook anytime soon.

An Example of Why I Swore Off AIM Chats

2007-10-18T11:29:00.000-05:00

When I started this blog a few weeks back, I saw it as a fresh start. I left behind my old screen name as well, at least the one I had used in the AIM chats. From that point on I decided I would only talk to people I met through this blog and a few select others I chose to transfer over.

One of those transfers was someone I’ll call AIM Boy. My guess is we’ve been chatting about a year. He’s a local kid who like me, is very much in the closet. He has seemed like a nice guy and we’ve had a good mix of real conversation and “cyber fun”…if you get my drift.

One night last week, we were chatting and he told me he kinda liked me and thought I might be fun to hang out with. I’m not really looking for more at this point and it would not go further because:

1) We’re both in the closet
2) Neither is in a place for a relationship
3) The biggest one: he’s on the young side (18) and won’t be staying here—I may not be here beyond this year either depending on grad school

I'm apprehensive about meeting up with people from online. I've never done it. Regardless, I said maybe someday that would be ok, but he questioned that I was ever going to agree to meet him because of what he called my “paranoia” about anyone finding out I’m gay. To help prove I’m not paranoid, I let him see my Facebook—real name, pictures, email, phone numbers, the works.

Mistake. By the next morning he’d de-friended me and while he didn’t block me on AIM, has not responded to my “hellos” since. Obviously he saw something he disliked and instead of being a man and asking me about it, he’s simply cut off communication.

Rude, rather hurtful and a reminder that I made the right choice to ditch the AIM chat rooms.

The Winner is...

2007-10-17T20:44:00.000-05:00

First off, thanks to those who voted in my weatherman survey. It appears my weatherman won. A couple of you brought up some things:

-Yes, he's WAY TOO TAN

-He is 26, although he does look about 12

Another blurb about him is here...thanks to Steve and Warren for the link.

Moving on...

I will be making some additions to the blogroll in the next day or so. Please check them out.

I appreciate all the emails and comments from new and returning readers, and have been fortunate to interact with many out there on AIM as well. Keep it coming, folks.

You'll notice the frequency of posts here may begin to slow a tad now...from the frenetic pace of a new blog to a more regular rhythm.

YouTube Humor

2007-10-15T12:02:00.000-05:00

Some humorous takes on the Larry Craig mess, courtesy of YouTube.

Larry Craig: I Am Not Gay

If Larry Craig Were Gay

Is My Weatherman Hotter Than Your Weatherman?

2007-10-15T11:52:00.000-05:00

The other night I was on Facebook and noticed that a girl I know had joined “Absolut Sven” a fan group dedicated to a Minnesota TV personality. I decided I had to give her some major grief.

Why? Because as anyone who lives within the viewing area probably knows, Sven is the weekend weatherman for the Minneapolis NBC station. He has a good on-air persona, is a local boy, educated in our state university system and seems generally good at his job. He’s also young, athletic, and not bad looking—albeit about four feet tall and fake-baked beyond need, not unlike said station’s former anchor. Women love him, and they play up his sex appeal…including showing shirtless photographs of him running marathons during newscasts. One problem for the ladies, though--although it has never been expressly said , he likes gentlemen.

So, when I saw that this gal, the same one who had accused me and Apple Guy of “dating” apparently had the hots for this guy, I knew it was time to give her a little crap in return.

Upon looking around Facebook I discovered there were lots of groups dedicated to this guy. He’s being called everything from a “Weather God” to a “hobbit” and there’s even a group of people who claim he ran away from them at a local gay bar—apparently he enjoys hooking up with guys from the bar, but he must be a player with high standards.

Anyway, I think it is another funny example of women swooning over unattainable (GAY) men.

By the way, he blogs and there are plenty of pictures.

Survey: is my weatherman hotter than your weatherman?

Taking a Breather...

2007-10-13T17:55:00.000-05:00

I'm taking the weekend off from posting here. As I have been putting out 2-3 a day since the beginning some of you may have catching up to do with reading and comments.

Thanks for reading!

New post coming Monday.

The Ones I Should Have Told...

2007-10-12T14:59:00.000-05:00

All the stories from the past lead me to today.

I have not told anyone else beyond the four I've blogged about. I’m not ashamed of who I am necessarily, but it’s nerve wracking. I know this is not society’s “preferred” orientation. I’m also living with my parents again and I have a feeling that while they are supportive of my friendships with gay people, they may feel differently when they realize it’s their son. I want to be somewhat secure and moved out in case there is strain or backlash.

Additionally, living with the parents does make it hard to do much about anything. You’d think living close to the city I’d have explored the nightlife...not so much.

If I could go back I probably would have told two others while I was still in school:

1. Our SG advisor, who for lack of a better name in my head at the moment will be known as The Advisor. He’s a very nice guy and has become a mentor of mine, as I would like to get into similar work with college students. He also happens to be a gay guy. Apple Guy had suggested I talk to him when I hit “the breaking point” and I did—about everything EXCEPT the fact that I’m grappling with my sexuality.

2. Bi Boy- When I came out to Daisy Duke she suggested I tell him. I didn’t at the time because we had not had very many personal chats like that and it seemed out of place to tell him I’m coming to terms with being gay. In hindsight, however, it might have been nice to talk to someone who had been through the same kind of things.

And the journey continues...I've got more posts brewing all the time

Daisy Duke Learns My Secret

2007-10-12T12:30:00.000-05:00

A week after the dinner with MBA Man and Photo Guy, I told Daisy Duke.

It was a Friday afternoon in the SG office, and no one was around. I told her about how two of the girls had stopped by my dorm room the previous evening and joked with me about my place on the Kinsey scale that they were studying in Human Sexuality class. I told her that if they knew the truth they would probably crap their pants. Then I basically explained the conversation with Apple Guy again, because of course she’d heard about it.

She was great about it—asked how long I’d felt this way, If my parents knew, etc…the general questions, but was totally understanding.

Afterwards, I emailed MBA Man:

“…This whole thing is just, well weird. I'm sure it always is. But up until 2 weeks ago I didn't have the slightest desire to address this with anyone, except maybe you guys...honestly I'd planned to tell you even before the whole [Apple Guy] conversation. It's as if a switch flipped. Is it that I'd finally had enough of the jokes? Is it that I'm leaving and figure a select few that I intend to keep in contact with should know? Why now...its not like these are new feelings. I know you don't have the answers but sometimes typing them out helps I guess LOL. I can't exactly blog this as you did...”

Of course I have ended up blogging it.

He responded:

“I think that you have now started to tell people due to the combination of everything. You are leaving and you realize that it doesn't really matter and you probably have had enough. Basically, that is what it takes, really. It all comes to a point when you have had enough and realize it does not mater one iota what other people think. Some people never get this far, and deny it all their lives. We all just want to be happy and this is the first step to doing so. Trust me...it only gets easier too. However, it does seem like you have lost something...almost like you held something over all of society and now you are like...too bad suckers...I am free!!!! “

I don’t know if I felt free, and I still don’t but there is truth there. His support has been invaluable.

Tidbits

2007-10-12T12:09:00.000-05:00

Warning: This may be a 3-4 post day, I've got some in draft.

First, a few random musings.

I am not a gossip king, although the previous post might give you that impression. Yes, I told Country Girl, but no one else...and I think MBA Man was happy she knew. My relationship with him only got closer after that.
Feed readers are a godsend. I count 46 blogs that I currently read. If you're not syndicating you should be.
It's Josh K. "Birthday Week" over at J&J. Drop by and wish him well.
What is a "Birthday Week"? Is it a custom for gays to stretch out celebrations? If so, rock on!
Cody over at Alternativ Life is coming out this weekend...good luck, buddy!
Troystopher taught his mom to text (mine would be hopeless) and now has a real date with Topher...go boy!
I never heard the name Topher before the actor Topher Grace, and now I hear it all the time. The new "Chandler?" There must be too many Chrises.